"It's...kind of insane how much happened a day in a half."

We finally discover who was in the car with Lily.

Or, rather, whose car it was at all. When Lily called none other than the Captain for help—and Ted was so close, too—she wasn’t calling for an emergency smoke break. No, she wasn’t even calling for someone to talk to.

She was calling to confirm whether or not she would have another child she refused to make a consolation prize.

For all those that thought Marshall getting his way seemed a little unfair, congrats: he, Lily, Marvin—and Daisy (two flower names, all)—will spend one year in Italy as a forever-family. Grazie.

Just in time to witness the spilt secret, Robin’s mother braved a plane flight to make it to her daughter’s wedding. Last episode already told us she would supply Robin’s bridal breakdown; it just failed to mention it would come in the form of confirming her worst Freudian fears. Lily now plays two roles: secret-keeper extraordinaire and the one to tell her best friend that, no, of course you’re not marrying your father, stop listening to your mother! Goodness. Someone needs to learn their manners.

We catch up with the Captain one last time, presumably, before the grand finale. He met his match, proposed to her too, and hired the Von Trapps to tend to his house. What’s more, we discover he would be hopeless at a game of Clue. Colonel Mustard, with the candlestick, on a boat.

CBS did not fail to make clear that there were just three more episodes total: two new, then the finale. Three short weeks before our lives are over for good. Or, so we said when F.R.I.E.N.D.S ended. And Breaking Bad. And, at the end of the day, it makes us wonder what new friend will find their way onto our networks next?

Don't Bogart all the Funions

“I hate when people misuse that word.”

“Me too, but you literally just got here.”

The plot lies at the heart of this episode’s central nervous system: Lily, systematically nervous over her potentially-angsty Italian job opportunity. Can she uproot Marshall and Marvin when she herself is too scared to move more than ten subway stops from her Brooklyn birthplace?

When the Captain calls, inviting her to move to Rome with him and be his art consultant there, she goes back and forth twice over the prospect. Not across the pond, either. She denies his offer twice for fluctuating reasons.
Never mind Marshall now spends his days getting reamed; though knowing so certainly helps her final decision.

In the meantime, Ted, Robin and Barney remain mystified by the couple’s new (for some) wedding planner…and what’s under that jacket! After Ted insists the planner actually has a “redonkulus” (his carefully-selected words) Yoga physique, the three plot to have her remove the garment during their meeting at MacLaren’s. The endeavor seemed worth Barney’s one hundred dollars’ effort to turn up the pub’s heat—literally.

While Lily and Marshall chase Captains and carry-on’s, Ted notices from afar Barney doesn’t seem to be acting like an ex-bachelor anytime soon. While Robin definitely proves herself “the cool fiancé,” and while Ted’s been toning down his average Ted-ness…did anyone else find Barney’s blunt assurance a little too sharp? Ted did the mature thing, backing down, but his broseph edge put this blogger on guard. Methinks thou doth protest too much?

Or maybe I have an eternal soft spot for our lonely series hero.

Marshall can distract with his “Italian” all he likes, but he won’t be able to pheromone us away from the true questions at hand. I’m still curious if Lily managed to contact the Captain a third time. And if Barney is, in fact, hiding some pre-wedding woes. And what on earth’s under Robin’s coat?
Wait.

This Is Your Captain Speaking

“Ted. This is the Captain.”

-- The Captain, calling Ted Mosby’s phone.

While its very true people project their own emotions onto other people’s words and actions, there isn’t an apt way to describe how Ted and Robin view their past encounter with the Captain, once he re-enters their lives with a simple phone call at the beginning of the episode.
The Captain? The art gallery owner whose wife Ted accidentally stole. The same owner that made eyes at Robin and told Lily she was nothing more than a kindergarten teacher.

Now guess which version is true. Spoilers at the end.

Ted’s retelling seems normal enough, if not a tad dramatic, when the Captain invites the three to view artwork in his apartment. Ted fears for his life, thanks to the Captain’s ominous undertones, and leaves the scenario worried for his future.
Though as Robin recalls, he’d shared a “sandwich” with his then-girlfriend, “Boat Girl,” and spent the entire evening delayed, hallucinating, and…hungry.

Robin lecturing Ted’s behavior doesn’t say much. She seems to remember the Captain coming onto her through the course of the meeting. Barney squirms at the thought (unless it opens the door to potential polygamy), until Lily reminds them both that Robin, in fact, visited the bar beforehand. Robin “hallucinated” in a different manner.

Which leaves us with Lily’s account. With Ted’s munching and Robin’s, ah, swimming, we see through her eyes the Captain and his then-art consultant were less than polite over her station in life. After he commented she was “just a kindergarten teacher,” Lily stole his (probably diamond) ashtray.

Though not everything exists as crystal clear as we’d thought; when she returns the ashtray the next day, the Captain reveals he chose the very painting she liked from his gallery for his own bedroom. As it happens, the painting became popular and sold for 4 million dollars. Lily’s discovery earned her a job offer as an art consultant in her own right—a position she then accepted.

Now Marshall gets a shot at steering the boat, even if Barney loses the chance for his confetti-coated grand entrance. He saved it by playing the Archduke.