Guys. I Got A New Bro.

I know I talk incessantly about my life goal to become Barney “Bro” Stinson, and scrutinize his every waking moment to see what I might do to reach his tier (pity I couldn’t borrow his Bro Code; I had to get my own instead).

But I haven’t gone over just what types of things I listen out for, specifically within his specific vernacular. And that raises the question—what Barney Stinson sayings top everyone’s lists? I need to pay attention to the needs of Barney’s other pandering fans, as well.

And so, I bring the top five best Barney Stinson-isms, as written by all of you, while CBS airs the tear-jerking, soulful episode of how he acquires his new bro “to beat all other bros’.” Sobs.

#1 “True Story”

Told before stories that may or may not be true. But what am I saying—of course they’re all true! Just take a look at the Jesus parenthetical: “That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.” Of course.

#2 “Legen…wait for it…dary!”

Barney’s choice cliff-hanger, reserved for the not-quite-compound adjective. Of the more famous appearances include Barney really making us ‘wait for it,’ like ending an entire season with the stall. Or with quotes like these: “It’s gonna be legend…wait for it…and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!“

#3 “Bro”

Everyone is bro. Bro is everyone. Much like ‘dude,’ “bro” is gender-inclusive.

#4 “Suit up!”

Everyone knows suits top all the charts, except maybe Ted. Ted really should start wearing a suit more often.

#5 “Article ____:”

When Barney needs to cite The Bro Code, you know you’ve done wrong. Example references include, “Article 2: "A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it,”” and “Article 24: "When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.””

Have your own? Did I leave any glaring gaps? Show me the error of my ways by sending Cool TV Props a message, or commenting on this post! Now!

The Undisputed--

“True” to my words, I decided to describe what I feel Barney Stinson’s story—or perhaps, how Barney Stinson sees life, the universe, and everything—solely based off what he’s called a “true story.” I’ve never seen in one sitting at how MANY things he’s called “true,” but I can take a guess at how many “stories” he’s fed Ted, Robin, Lilly and Marshal for eight whole seasons.

Evidently, he’s never experienced sadness, or given way to weaknesses of the heart—with the exception of Robin. (“You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.”)

He has no need for a doctor—in fact, he was a doctor. (“Whenever I get sick, I stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story.”)

And none of his actions preclude a shred of forethought or nod to common decency. (“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there’s a second awesome gland. True story.”)

Fun fact, Barney Stinson is also a blogger. I’m nowhere near close to being Barney Stinson, however. Soon. I’m working on it.

And finally:

“Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard he died. They’d be all, “Hey Jesus, what up?” and Jesus would probably be like, “What up? I died yesterday!” and they’d be all, “Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude…” and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude’d be like “Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro…” And he’s not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody’s busy, doing chores, workin’ the loom, trimmin’ the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it’s Sunday, so everyone’s in church already, and they’re all in there like “Oh no, Jesus is dead”, and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin’ up the aisle, everyone’s totally psyched, and FYI, that’s when he invented the high five. That’s why we wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait.”

…Barney Stinson grasped the entire point of childhood Sunday school entirely undistracted and unaffected by crippling ADHD.

Every bit of the above story is, without a doubt, true. Tune in to How I Met Your Mother tomorrow at 8 pm—the new 8 pm!

"Broda"

It’s clear Barney Stinson surrounds himself with the “awesome” and how to achieve the “awesome.” Much like how I surround myself with how to achieve “bro” and “Stinson status.”  When he isn’t dropping ridiculously long and impressive awesome quotes, he talks about how to be awesome, how he is awesome, and how to become awesome.

Besides a contest on how many times I can type “awesome,” I’m writing this article to take a look at all the awesome Barney’s said, done, and used.

“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”

-- Barney Stinson (the “bro” and “awesome” all in the same quote)

Barney usually talks himself out of rough spots by replacing bad things with “awesome.” These span from common emotions and kindness, all the way to every shred of moral fabric in his body. When he talks about his awesome-composition, it’s in a shedding-weakness context.

“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”

“Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead."

He doesn’t stop at replacing priority internal organs with awesome—he fixes his entire décor around awesome. Have you seen these awesome (and “awesome”) posters? Barney’s unclear job sports a fantastic office space, featured in a few episodes, along with likely hardball motivational posters. These posters mimic the decorations on-set, include some pretty awesome pictures if I do say so myself, and the latter iconic “awesome” quote.

Follow me in assembling all the necessary items of awesome! I fully intend to put myself this one step closer toward living like Barney Stinson, just in time for the holiday season.