The Undisputed--

“True” to my words, I decided to describe what I feel Barney Stinson’s story—or perhaps, how Barney Stinson sees life, the universe, and everything—solely based off what he’s called a “true story.” I’ve never seen in one sitting at how MANY things he’s called “true,” but I can take a guess at how many “stories” he’s fed Ted, Robin, Lilly and Marshal for eight whole seasons.

Evidently, he’s never experienced sadness, or given way to weaknesses of the heart—with the exception of Robin. (“You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.”)

He has no need for a doctor—in fact, he was a doctor. (“Whenever I get sick, I stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story.”)

And none of his actions preclude a shred of forethought or nod to common decency. (“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there’s a second awesome gland. True story.”)

Fun fact, Barney Stinson is also a blogger. I’m nowhere near close to being Barney Stinson, however. Soon. I’m working on it.

And finally:

“Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard he died. They’d be all, “Hey Jesus, what up?” and Jesus would probably be like, “What up? I died yesterday!” and they’d be all, “Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude…” and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude’d be like “Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro…” And he’s not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody’s busy, doing chores, workin’ the loom, trimmin’ the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it’s Sunday, so everyone’s in church already, and they’re all in there like “Oh no, Jesus is dead”, and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin’ up the aisle, everyone’s totally psyched, and FYI, that’s when he invented the high five. That’s why we wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait.”

…Barney Stinson grasped the entire point of childhood Sunday school entirely undistracted and unaffected by crippling ADHD.

Every bit of the above story is, without a doubt, true. Tune in to How I Met Your Mother tomorrow at 8 pm—the new 8 pm!