What makes Barney Stinson “Barney Stinson?” Besides his
aliases, attire, and attributes? I’m only talking about his high fives, easily
fifth on my running How To Be Barney goal-list: master the high fives.
Let’s catalogue the best, shall we?
Self-Fives:
Friends can’t appreciate your gloriously timed humor? They’re
not fans of puns? Don’t feel sore—rely on
your inner Self. Your attentive Self waits to slip you some skin and
congratulate you on your wit. You might need to call up the Self (and make a
show doing it); you might need to constrain the moment to a mental self-five. But we can establish
early on that a good Stinson achiever is never without one to ‘five. *See the
footnote.
Relaxed High Five:
Your subtler high five variant. Only use this during “the
moment”, or risk making yourself look “awkward.” Should this occur, “save
yourself” and find the next soonest “moment” to re-administer your high five
offer. If your friends deny a relaxed high five, they’re a little lame.
Phone Five:
Slap the receiver of a phone when you say something
legen—wait for it—dary, over a call. Simply keep the faith that the person on
the other end is equally awesome.
“Hypothetical” High
Five:
A type of mental self-five,
the hypothetical high five includes another person in your vision of high five
greatness. It helps if they play along, not stare at you blankly while you
hypothesize.
A noteworthy, though rare, subsection to this ‘five would be
the ultimate Almighty High Five. For this once-in-a-lifetime chance, the
heavens above part the clouds and shine the rays of a thousand suns upon you,
to which you can THEN hypothesize your high-five. Bonus points if the scene
includes cherubs—imaginary or otherwise.
Overall, the Golden Rule of Five is as follows: never, ever,
find yourself without a high five partner. *If you literally are without a
partner, or every available partner is not worthy of your Five, fall back on
your better-than-them Self. We’re all trying to achieve Stinsonhood here!
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